Major update: the nozzle laminator and leaks in the trigger valve have been (presumably) fixed! The Plumber's Goop has to sit overnight but it should work barring some unforseen disaster. I took pictures of my repair/mod and will post them when I can find a usb cable (I knew I shoulda just used my cell phone like I did before). A point of interest is that I used differently sized straws in the laminator. Instead of drinking straws like the original nozzle, I used cocktail stirrers. The aformentioned devices are the same size as coffee stirrers but with a much larger inner diameter, which won't reduce the flow like coffee stirrers would. Expect results tomorrow!
Edit: pictures and writeup:
I was browsing the wine section of my local Publix tonight, and I ran across these little jewels:

As I said previously, they're thin like coffee stirrers, but have a far thinner wall thickness.
To get to the laminator, I had to cut with a high-tooth-count hacksaw blade and a miter box. Anyone hoping to replicate this procedure would do better to just open their valve via the screws (all the screw heads on mine were coated with glue from the factory). Be sure to save the screens that are in front of and behind the straws:


Now that your nozzle is opened, one way or another, its time to go from this:

To this:

The pieces should be about 3.8 centimeters in length, although you may have to find the correct length through trial and error, since my screens were bent out of shape, affecting the size the straws could be.
When you've got enough stirrers that it looks like this;


then you are done.

As can be seen here, the two parts of my nozzle didn't quite fit back together. This can be avoided in one of two ways: don't cut the nozzle, or continue through trial and error. I chose option c: not worry about it. By this point I had been working on getting those straws perfect for three long hours, and I was fed up. I also figured that the gap would provide more area for the plumbers goop to grip, and the nozzle selector would already put pressure on this area.
Simply use copious amounts of this stuff
481e6844-8aa6-48c6-8b0f-dd78f08a1c61_4.jpg
and you'll be fine.